Overview

Guilt and shame are powerful emotions and are often felt very strongly by children. Children experiencing these feelings may behave in different ways at home or in school. They may simply feel they are not worthy enough by being rude or aggressive to teachers and other children, or they may appear withdrawn and quiet. Here comes the role of the parents to handle these issues with care and make them realize they are not deeply and inherently flawed because they have made a mistake.

Today, Ms. Hania Habib – Associate ClinicalPsychologist will talk about the difference between guilt and shame and how parents can deal with these strong emotions of their children?

Difference between Guilt & Shame?

Guilt and shame are not interchangeable and are different from each other. Guilt is felt when you think you have caused harm to others, whereas shame is a deep-seated feeling that we ourselves are flawed. For example, guilt says, ‘I made a mistake; shame can say, ‘I am stupid, foolish, bad or mad’.

According to Ms. Hania, “Guilt is a normal emotion like happiness, sadness and angriness. If one feels guilty after hurting someone, it is related to something external. Guilt motivates you to rectify or counteract your mistake. However, if repeated feelings of guilt turn to shame, children can begin to build a very negative self-image”.

On the other hand, she explains, “Shame is said to be an induced emotion which we teach to our children. It is internalized and is a belief within oneself. If you hurt someone, you will hide it from others and think bad about yourself”.

Children can also feel intense guilt and shame about things that aren’t their fault and even beyond their control; the breakdown of their parents’ relationship for instance, or being body-shamed. These feelings of guilt and shame can be carried through to adulthood and become a very heavy burden to bear. However, sometimes guilt can be a useful emotion that helps develop empathy and moral understanding in children, and often provides an opportunity for them to repair their mistakes.

Parenting Hacks

Harsh and critical parental behaviour produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family’s cycle of shame to their children which is called intergenerational trauma. 

Ms. Hania provides some hacks for parents to cooperate with children without creating guilt or shame:

1.     It’s OK to say NO, but in a different way. Most of the time, saying NO to children provokes shame in children instead, just empathize and set a limit without judging or criticizing. For example, if your child likes a particle toy and is stubborn to buy it, you could tell him that we can write it on your birthday list and maybe we can have it later.

2.     Model the behaviour you want. Children mimic and look up to their parents for guidance. If parents yell and criticize all the time, children will learn the same.

3.     Open a communication channel with your children on all issues. Parents must develop a certain mindset of their children so that they will mimic their mindset. Be age-appropriate in your explanations, but nothing should be off-limits for discussion.

4.     Resist punishing. Punishing will cause shame in children that they aren't good enough and their parents find them lacking. Instead, parents should learn to empathize and set limits for their children.

5.     Making mistakes is alright. If you tend to dwell on mistakes you’ve made, it’s more likely your child will do the same.

6.     Handle situations calmly. Set an example of healthy behaviour for your child and stay calm while dealing with embarrassing situations.

7.     Do not make fun of your children. It’s important not to mock mistakes or poke fun at embarrassing incidents of your children as they will start associating even minor missteps with feelings of shame and humiliation.

8.     Start praising your child often. Reframing negative experiences will help your child identify healthy reactions and practice them, building what we call metacognitive skills.

Why and how should parents listen to their children?

Listening is always the first step in solving problems. If parents want their children to listen to them, they will need to first listen to them. Listening to a child's perspective will teach parents a lot and make them understand the need of their child. Children are smarter than most grown-ups, and they generally know what they need. It is important to listen to your child and help them to listen to their inner voice as well. Support your child to identify and express their feelings so they are heard. If the feelings are minimized or dismissed, they will often be expressed in unhealthy ways.

Children experience all kinds of complex feelings like adults such as frustration, excitement, nervousness, sadness, jealousy etc. However, young kids usually communicate their feelings through their behaviour, facial expressions, their body and playas they don’t have the vocabulary to express their feelings. Sometimes, children may act out their feelings in physical, inappropriate or problematic ways.

Make them learn and label the name of the feeling they are experiencing. Naming feelings is the first step in helping children learn to identify them. It allows your child to develop an emotional vocabulary so they can talk about their feelings. Help them identify the feelings of others with the help of cartoons or picturebooks. This will help the children to recognize other people’s feelings through facial expressions.

Conclusion

Children will experience embarrassing situations at home or in school every now and then, but as parents, we can help them build the resilience and confidence they need to deal with it in a healthy way. Being a parent means you’ve got a really important role to play in helping children understand their feelings and behaviours. Children need to be shown how to manage their feelings in positive and constructive ways. Children who are able to identify, understand, express and manage a wide range of feelings experience long term benefits to their mental health and wellbeing.

To book an online or physical therapy session with one of our psychologists, therapists or counsellors visit www.shifaam.com and click on the FIND A THERAPIST - Aao Baat Karain tab or download the Shifaam HealthApp now fromGoogle Play (bit.ly/2JqZo3C) or the iOS App Store (apple.co/2QUVxQz) today!